morning thoughts

Ok, so I woke up with some thoughts, like normal.  Here they are.

 

Moving to Golden - I love Golden - I love you - ie - Golden is a great place - especially with the golden rocks.  I have one in my yard.  A big one that I brought home.  I'm sure that wasn't allowed.   I'd like to bring you home.  Well, not really home, just more close so that when you want to bounce ideas off me, you can sit down with a cup of tea across the table from me and ask me face to face if you're being crazy or if you're being more like a normal person with normal reactions.  I'd like that.  You are reacting more normally than ever, with some anger and pissed offness and reasonable irrititation (well, some is unreasonable, but I'd expect you to go overboard occasionally after stuffing it down for so many years..) when people let you down...

 

Here are some things running around my mind..

 

Work:  sounds like in your mind, you're almost done with the hospital.  any specific reasons?

 

Money:  it makes the world go round, whether we want to admit it or not.  d'ya really think any one of us would spend our days working if we didn't need it?  F* No!   I'd spend my days in the garden growning stuff in the summertime, and sailing on the catamaran and napping in the sunshine.  Do not tell me we don't have sunshine, we do.  Its beautiful and green here, and in July though October the sun is gorgeous and warm and I can stay up late and play baseball and it is so very nice. 

 

Living arrangements:  Rio.  cat dander on all the stuff.  major commitment to moving. stuff in storage  (please please please don't leave the table & chairs & your other artwork, even if you have to tell me to get it myself, I could hire someone to box it up and send it to me on one of those big brown trucks and Mike would drive in with it like he did on your birthday that year that he had a present for you but hadn't delivered it during the day so he brought it after work in his car...your table is an amazing piece of art and means alot to me remembering you build it and I know stuff doesn't mean alot to you and you might just leave it because you don't like to be attached to it.... unless I beg....i think you don't like to be attached cuz it hurts if you have to unattach maybe?

 

Physical health:  Bravado (ie; I've been sicker)  and the difficulty of getting into Kaiser care  - breathing difficulty - omg that sucks so very bad.  I hate Kaisers phone system.  Don't they have a f*ing urgent care line or a nurse like group health?  And what the hell, a phone appointment to see if your lungs are all f*ed up and filled with fluid from pnemonia?  How the f* can they tell from that?  Oh, am I ranting?  I sometimes forget to not do that...

 

Mental health:  Hard to tell if the out of sorts-ness is being created by mood disorder, feeling crummy, being homeless, etc., Breathe ( oh, i forgot, you can't cuz your lungs feel crummy.. ha ha i'm so funny huh) 

 

where is your safe place to process all of it?  who is safe for you?  who can help you when you need to get it clarified? 

 

Ok, for now those are the rambling thoughts that can't be contained this morning in any other way except here for you to read.  Silly, I know.  But there it is....